Writing Is Writing, Right? Not Quite. The Life of a Memoir, Part 2

In Part 1 of this blog post, I wrote about finding myself in a place of overwhelm while writing the draft of my memoir. (Read Part 1 HERE) until a little book saved me.

That book is The Memoir Project: A Thoroughly Non-Standardized Text for Writing and Life by Marion Roach Smith, a great read. Smith has great creds: trained at the New York Times, four books, articles in national publications. She comes from a family of writers. Her father James Roach was a sportswriter, and her sister Mary Roach, is a Times columnist on gardening.

The first tenet of Smith’s approach to memoir is determining what your story is about. She writes that the writer “should attempt to teach us something about the behavior of those involved, about your behavior, about all human behavior.”

After all, why do we read memoir? We want to learn how others live; we are infinitely curious about this species to which we belong. Witness the fascination babies demonstrate when they meet another of their kind; we’re a grown-up version of those babies, steeped in that same intrigue. And we want to know how to handle life’s challenges and live a meaningful life.  

The linchpin of memoir writing is to tell a story of personal experience that resonates with readers through universal themes. Roach has developed an algorithm for pinpointing what your story is about:

This is a story about X (universal theme) as illustrated by Y (personal experience) to be told in the form of Z (form of piece, e.g., book, essay, op-ed, etc.)

Roach states that using her algorithm will help you focus your story which will “touch on universal themes and—voila—become of interest to others.”

Two pages later, she expands on the purpose of memoir. “How it happened is not what makes it [your story] interesting. That it happened at all—why it happened and where you go from there—is interesting.”

A side note for the grammar geeks among us: How could I not become enamored of a writer who uses the “em” dash, one of my favorite punctuation marks,  within two pages? Named such because on printing typeface it occupies the same space at the letter “M,” this handy mark allows the author to interject a quick aside without using the more formal parentheses.

Back to the book. Roach is firm in telling writers to “make your story of value to someone else,” which means the writer needs to reveal how they were changed by their experience and what they learned.   

Distill it to one sentence, she says, the “spine upon which you build the rest of the body.” Smith believes each story’s essence should be captured in one sentence, what she calls the writer’s argument that they are making in their piece. According to Smith, “You cannot write a book without structure; you cannot have structure without an argument; and you cannot have an argument without knowing what your book is about.”

Then, you can write your 100-word plotline that summarizes your book and keeps you on track.

Okay, I thought, someone else has successfully worked out a path that will enable me to wrestle my memoir to the ground. I’m all in.

The book, while teaching memoir, is also an immensely readable memoir of Smith’s life as a writer. She peppers the text with stories from her own life, seamlessly woven and written in a lively style. Even non-writers will enjoy this book.

After reading the book, I took two Smith’s online workshops, Memoirama 1 and Memoirama 2. I enjoyed her no-nonsense teaching style, depth of experience, and knowledge of the realities of the publishing world. Smith has developed a structured set of classes to help writers get their memoirs written and published. Over 100 of her students have had books published. (Find her website here: https://marionroach.com/).

After taking those two classes, I invested in her self-directed online class called The Memoir Project.

 The Memoir Project

First, I had to create my book altar, something I do for every book. I place it in the corner of my studio within sight of my desk. It reminds me what I’m doing and why, helping me stay focused and grounded. I also create collages at certain points in a book’s life.

The Memoir Project online class includes six videos, plus several bonus ones, a forty-one-page workbook, and a big dose of encouragement. Smith claims the time spent planning your book pays off when you’re ready to write your first draft, beginning with identifying key elements you need: an algorithm, an argument, and a plot line. These will guide you as you choose what to include in your book and what you can cut.

One of her favorite tools is a manila folder where she lays out the structure of her books, using a three-act structure as it applies to memoir.

               Act 1, What’s a stake

               Act 2, What you tried, what worked

               Act 3, What happened when it worked

Here’s mine:

The next step is to identify key anchor scenes at the end of Act 1, the middle of Act 2, and the end of Act 2.

Then I added scenes/events in the appropriate places.     

Smith gives you very specific tasks and keeps you on task hammering out the underpinnings of the structure by answering questions like: what skills did you have when you began this story and which didn’t you have? What’s your fatal flaw? How have you changed by the end of the story?

These tasks and her professional attitude toward writing made me feel I could write a book and that it didn’t have to overwhelm me. Smith addresses this common experience with the advice: “Report it, don’t re-animate it.” In other words, don’t go back into the pain. Seeking professional help can be critical for some. It was for me.

I could not be writing this book without the support of my therapist. My sister’s death, though unexpected, freed me not only to write the book but also opened a door to a different life without the burden of her care. Although I’d been in therapy previously, it was always focused on how to manage my emotions and set boundaries. This time, I’m focused on reclaiming my life and my story and seeing it through clearer eyes.

It took me two months to work through the six videos and another two to complete the workbook. There were days I spent the morning in my studio figuring out my one-sentence algorithm. I went through several versions of my three-act structure and know it may change more as I write. The work was hard and took much longer than I expected, but it was a relief to have the formula and know where I was headed.

If you’d like to get a taste of Smith’s approach, you may find this blog post helpful: Five Insanely Simple Steps to Plan a Book.

You can find a wealth of free resources on Smith’s website: https://marionroach.com/, including a podcast called QWERTY where Smith delves into all aspects of memoir during interviews with memoirists.

My Memoir Tool Box

Working Title: The Obligations of Love (Most memoirs have subtitles – still working on that.)

Algorithm: (what the book is about)

This is a story about the idea that it is possible to learn to love a difficult sibling through fulfilling the obligations of love as illustrated by my journey of healing my relationship with my mentally ill older sister to be written in the form of a book.

Argument: A difficult sibling relationship, through fulfilling the obligations of love, can be healed.

Plot Line (100 words or fewer)

As a child, I was emotionally damaged by having a mentally ill older sister. As an adult, I grew to resent her neediness and excluded her from my life, despite the fact that I meant so much to her. When she was no longer able to take care of herself, my brother and I stepped in to help. Once her care was assumed by others, I was able to see her as a whole person beyond the filter of mental illness and learn how to love her and be a true sister. (92 words)

I never thought I would plan a book before I wrote it. With my fiction writing, stories grow organically out of the process of writing, then I look at structure. I pride myself on being a “pantser,” i.e., one who flies by the seat of her pants, swept up in the creative flow, rather than a dull and boring “plotter,” who outlines her whole book before diving in. I’ve now learned the value of creating a map that provides the scaffolding for my memoir..

It took a lot of work, a lot of thinking, and a lot of therapy, but now I know—finally—that I can write my book. It’s no longer an unmanageable behemoth but a manageable series of tasks.